Saturday, November 08, 2003
Jennifer is sick with something. Spooky is sicker with what might be something else. For the moment, I'm well.
I've realized that I'm stuck in Procrastination (The Nine Seven Deadlies, remember). Yes, I did get "Mercury" written, and I did the cover for it, but I'm making very little progress reading through Murder of Angels (and have only three weeks left) and less still with the novella. It's dark and cold and I know it's time to strike a spark, but I'm just sitting in a corner staring at two bits of flint. Like I don't know what they're for. Or I can't remember why it's worth the effort. I know that it is, somewhere, I still know. I know that I know. But I can't quite remember. I don't expect that to make sense. Far too many people are obsessed with making sense. I look at the news and I don't see much coming of this endless, slavish devotion to sense. Sometimes, I think there might be less chaos in anarchy. I don't believe that, and, I don't want to believe that. Anarchy hits me the same way war and negligence and sea otters suffocating in oil slicks hit me. But Order seems as much the author of destruction. And so I'm left looking for something in the middle. And maybe that's my problem. I'm still allowing the binary opposition to define the way I see, the tyrannous dialectic of Order and Chaos. I can't find a third choice. It's like looking for a colour that my eyes have not evolved to see.
Who is the third who walks always beside you
When I count, there are only you and I together
But when I look ahead up the white road
There is always another walking beside you...
Determinism biological and my need to escape it and how far have I drifted from the subject of the first sentence of the second paragraph of this entry? Or have I drifted at all? Procrastination. Inability to choose a side. Refusal to accept the fact or sides. Etcetera. Refusal changes nothing, or it changes everything. Cat in a box. Waves and particles and spinning Wu Li dancers. White ravens and black swans. Yes. I have no idea, so don't ask.
Yesterday there was only talk of work, which isn't work, no matter how much I might tell myself that it is. Last night, Spooky and I watched the director's cuts of Army of Darkness and Lifeforce.
Today, we have to read, even though she is sick and I'm mired. We have to read anyway. And I have to lock onto an idea. Where do you get your ideas? I have no goddamn idea.
|
|
